1 a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength
Normal. 53 days of not feeling normal. That's where I am. I see Dr. Olson in just 4 days, but the last 2 weeks seem to just be dragging. I am making those small improvements each day, but there are no longer leaps and bounds like in the first few weeks, so I feel like I am just sitting here twiddling my thumbs until my appointment.
Since being off of my meds, I am feeling more like myself mind wise, but then reality sets in. I stand up, ready to go, and then realize I can't. My crutches are across the room and some little boy of mine stole my walker and is using the basket as his grocery cart. I sit back down.
I constantly see things around the house that need to get done. Laundry, toys put away, dishes to be done, bathrooms to be cleaned. In my attempts to help, I get exhausted. Yes, my energy level has been up, but when I use it all to clean the bathroom and pick up toys, I am back down for another 30 minutes before getting up again.
Time. Don't get me started on time. Before February 21st, I was a stay at home mommy. My job was to keep 2 little boys happy throughout the day, all while taking care of the house. In just a few hours I could get them dressed, make beds, feed them, do laundry, dishes, shower, and take them to the park. Now? Well, let's see. This morning I got out of bed at 6:45. By 7:15 the beds were made. 30 minutes to make 3 beds! That's right- 10 minutes per bed. Crutch, pull sheet up, crutch pull other side of sheet up, repeat, repeat, repeat.
Yesterday it hit me. I am so tired of being tired. I am so tired of it taking me so long to do the things I used to do in seconds. By 8 am I was already feeling sorry for myself. "I don't like today already," I said. I could tell it was going to be one of those days. Those days where instead of feeling the progress, I was going to feel trapped in my own body. And it went that way most of the day. The brain is a strong thing. It's hard to feel good about yourself when it is talking you down all day. I fixed the attitude with an early afternoon nap, and told myself to take it easy for the rest of the day. I sat outside with Owen and for some time, felt normal. I didn't have to see the dirt on the floor, or the dishes in the sink, and I wasn't starting at the same walls I've been staring at for the past 7.5 weeks. Sometimes all it takes is a change in scenery, to set my mood straight. I know, i know. Soon enough I will be able to do those dishes, and vacuum that floor, and I won't be liking that either! But I will be more thankful that I can do those things. For, there are some people out there who are less fortunate than me, and will never again be able to walk unaided. I am so thankful that I will be able to drop these crutches soon. I feel like me, I just can't wait to be me again.